inspired by "m'dear thinks on luther b" by patricia smith.

February 10, 2009

no.
what I thought when I read
that little screen with three little words.three unbelieveable, unbearable words
three tiny words that meant so much.

no.
this time I said it out loud.making it more concrete; more true.no, no no.I denied it as I pulled into somenow unameable parking lot off someirrelevant road.
no.
I denied it as I called home. As it sank in.as I went to the wake; the funeral.no.
this did not happen.I denied it even up to when I stood in the line;
a line that resembled any other line;a ticket line, a line for food, a line to meet someone famous.
it wasn’t like those other lines after all.

no
resonated in my head the whole timein that line
no
screamed my heart as I neared the end.I stopped. looking down. and suddenly there was no denying it.
no.
the word now denies something else.
it denies the thoughts of that day.
of the life so far from fulfilled.
of the moments never to be had.of the loss of a friend.

I want to go back to the first
no.
the one that insisted
those three horrible, ugly words
were just a misunderstanding
and it would be cleared up soon
and life would go back to normal

(he died, leah)